One of those days

Yesterday was a sad ending.... I spent 5 hours making a meal that turned out to be... disappointing.  Tony was a trooper and even had seconds.  I kept telling him to stop since I could taste it and I knew it wasn't that great.  God bless him.... because after that the tears came about how good I am at being mediocre and nothing else.  I was mediocre at dance, hair school, less than mediocre at math, not very good with grammar and punctuation in writing papers, I can't seem to figure out Excel at work sometimes when it should be easy, I tried being good at running but every race I've done I come in last out of my friends, I'm not ugly but I'm mediocre, all my best friends got 4.0 and I was always lower 3.7. etc etc.

So I climbed in my bed sobbing with a brownie covered in peanut butter and chocolate chips.  I just cried while Tony suggested we watch a movie.  As I was crying and telling him to just pick whatever he wanted with my mouth full of brownies I realized how pathetic I looked and started laughing... and crying harder at the same time. It was possibly the strangest feeling I've experienced. I didn't even know which one it was... it was literally both.  Tony picked Princess and the Frog. 

So today... I applied for school.  I CANNOT stand when people ask me why I don't do hair.  I get that it is a valid question, I do.... But sometimes the reason someone doesn't want to pursue something is not something they want to share... with everyone, because everyone asks that question. So now I can say that I'm trying school.. will I actually follow through and register for classes?  I'm making no promises but I'm taking a step in the right direction.  I already have some credits due to concurrent enrollment so I'm going to run with that. Goal now is just to better myself.

All I have to say is I love God.  He has never made me feel not good enough. After princess and the frog we watched that show Beyond and back?? where people die medically and have an out of body experience and then end up being revived.  Most everyone has similar experiences of an overwhelming peace and feeling of love and seeing angels etc.  Last night as we listened to an episode (I took out my contacts so I listened while Tony watched) and these people talked about how much love they felt and one guy mentioned how cool it was to him that god thought he was important enough to have that experience... I cried some more.. in my pillow.  I don't know, it was just really touching and I was an emotional magnet. I just feel so grateful for my testimony... as well as my mother.

My mother has never once made me feel less than the best. She cried when I made Dance Company because she had seen me crushed before.  She let me put my honor roll certificates on the fridge. And when I called her this morning she told me all the wonderful things about me that she could think of. She has no idea how wonderful she is.  I think I learned this "stupid feeling" from her.  I hear her say it a lot and it's just not true.  I call her anytime I have a question and I can't think of a time when she didn't know the answer! She is the funniest person I know and the most beautiful mom... seriously my friends have crushes on her.. right Jim?  She has been through things that most moms couldn't have made it through and she does it with a smile.  She cares about her kids even when we don't deserve it... like really don't deserve it.  Can't tell you how many times I have caught her crying and praying in her closet for her kids. So shout out to Paula for being the best person that I could have to look up to.

Shout out to Tony for being patient and so smart and talented and pretty... no wonder it's hard to feel good enough :) I'm a lucky gal!  and to you... the lone reader... you is kind. you is smart. you is important.
aka watch/ read the help.